Speaking in his very former constituency of Kirkcaldy, Gordon Brown will apparently say today that the SNP and Tories are both sooo yesterday in their obsession with parliamentary sovereignty. What he’s all about these days is ‘popular sovereignty’. Hmmmm. What’s that then, mate?

Well, it’s; “the idea that power rests with the people and that the Scottish people should choose the best route to advance our values and interests…..making our own decisions where it matters and supporting co-decision making within the UK where it can help Scotland.”

Erm, how we gonnae make those decisions then Gord? With parliamentary sovereignty being so passe, this fancy new ‘popular sovereignty’ of yours presumably means direct democracy – referenda every day of the week? And this thing about supporting co-decision-making where it can help Scotland sounds fine, but what would we do when ‘co-decision making’ doesn’t help Scotland?  And you’re aware, of course, that we have UK co-decision-making at the moment and that entails a government of England’s politicians telling Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland the way it’s going to be. And didn’t you say this stuff in 2014 with your ‘vow’ – and that, you know, didn’t turn out very well, did it?

“Ach, bollocks, hadn’t thought of that stuff”.

Thought not. This kind of ridiculous, ill-thought through bid for the front pages is reminiscent of that time you told us about how the Arctic Monkeys were your favourite band but then no they weren’t and it was actually Coldplay, which is a different popular band but with a similar number of young men in it. You understand that, right?

“Yeah, it’s fair cop, mate. Do you think the plebs will notice, though”.

Yeah, Probably.

“Hmmmm. Do you know that Pearson Hepburn butchers of 3 Valley Gardens has arguably the best mince in Kirkcaldy?”

You don’t even know that, do you? You just Googled ‘butchers in Kirkcaldy’ and now you’re making a ludicrous pitch for a meat-products-related slot in the Fife Courier and Advertiser, aren’t you. God I’m so bored of your daft, ‘remember-me, I was prime minister once for a bit’, media interventions that I can’t even be bothered to think of a proper ending for this piece.

“Now is not the time for proper endings to blogposts. Oh, where’s everyone gone”?